Written by: Megan Martin

Our world validates broken bones and bruises but often doesn’t “see” brokenness in our spirits or hearts. This doesn’t mean that those inner wounds aren’t worthy of attention and healing.

People who love us will hurt us. This is the reality of being vulnerable in a relationship. They could wound us with their words or their actions, unintentionally or intentionally hitting something at our core. When these hurtful behaviors or attitudes become repeated and deliberate, they move into the realm of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is when someone repeatedly degrades or diminishes someone’s personhood or spirit. When this dynamic is in a relationship, it can be just as damaging to the abused as physical abuse.  In fact, most people describe emotional abuse as being far more painful and traumatic than physical abuse¹.

Emotional abuse can occur in many types of relationships and take many different forms. It may enter the relationship between a mother and daughter, or between a boss and an employee, or between a husband and a wife, and so on. One common theme you’ll find is that there is a power differential between the abuser and the abused. In fact, the ultimate goal of the mistreatment is control. Some forms of emotionally abusive behaviors are deception, denial of responsibility or shifting blame, indifference, and depletion of one’s self worth. There may also be direct control over certain areas in one’s life, such as isolating one from friends and family, controlling the finances, or blocking one from leaving a room in an argument. There are many nuances to these behaviors, but they often accompany a lack of awareness, responsibility, and change on the part of the person perpetrating the abuse.

If you believe you may be in an emotionally damaging relationship, some steps that you can take for relief and healing are:

1. Acknowledge the reality of your relationship.  Often the hardest part is stepping back to examine the patterns in your relationship. Especially if sometimes things are really good. Something that may be helpful in this step is to keep a log of emotionally hurtful behaviors and words. Keeping this written list can help you to see patterns, and also remind your head of what is happening when your heart feels confused.
2. Address safety issues first. Do you feel safe physically, financially, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally in this relationship? If not, work toward making sure you are safe by taking control where you need to. This could look as simple as leaving the room when this person starts to escalate, or as complex as finding a new living situation. Start your own savings account, or attend a different church—whatever you need to feel safe.
3. Set boundaries. Just as that picture of the bruise illustrates, we validate physical needs more readily than emotional ones. Just as you would leave a room or a house in a volatile situation, imagine what boundaries would look like for you emotionally. This could mean blocking the person’s number on your phone, or denying them access to you in other ways, if needed. This doesn’t necessarily look like cutting this person out of your life, but setting boundaries to protect your emotional safety.
4. Recognize your worth as a human being created in God’s image. One of the biggest hits to someone who has been emotionally abused is their self-worth. It’s going to take some time to heal and start to see your inherent worth as a human being after experiencing treatment meant to tear down your inner person. But, there is hope—you will find your self-worth again.
5. Begin healing by talking with a trusted person. This could be a friend or family member that you trust. Share your emotional burden with someone who loves you and cares for you.  
6. Get professional help, if desired. A mental health professional can be a valuable resource to help you move forward into healing. Unlike a friend or family member, they can offer more objectivity, and the tools that will help you best. Experiencing emotional abuse in a relationship can feel confusing and isolating. Know that you are not alone, and that help is there when you need it.